Sometimes I feel dry as dust, as empty as an abandoned house. Inspiration is far from me- even though I pray for ideas- they just don’t come. Hollow, useless, and lonely, I want some kind of epiphany that will transform and refresh me. But….”I got plenty o nuttin'”. Only in my case, unlike the fictitious Porgy’s, it “ain’t plenty for me”.
Life is a collage of experiences that we race through to reach “better” and “more significant ones”. I often miss the meaning in the moment. I cook food for the babies, painstakingly cut it in small pieces and watch as they eat it. I forget to take joy in their eating because I am too busy longing for the freedom that comes from babies in bed and a clean kitchen. And as natural as this is, and as often as I have been guilty of it, I am the loser when, burdened by the moment, I forget to be grateful.
A heart that is full of ingratitude has no room in it for trust, and it is trust that leads to joy and peace. It is therefore imperative to my spiritual survival to be grateful. And this is rarely easy: I have to recall God’s blessings- and I have memory problems. We all do. Wouldn’t it be nice if the Biblical description of us was “and they were a remarkably retentive and grateful people”? Too bad, but we don’t work that way.
The fact is- that I have to make an effort to REMEMBER: when things aren’t going smoothly, when things go terribly wrong, when things go amazingly well. But even faulty remembrance and partial gratitude is enough to restore my perspective and protect my communion with the Creator, who cares for me even when I am ungrateful.
What does it matter if I don’t feel particularly visionary, useful or happy at any particular moment? “It is God who works in me to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
He will accomplish what concerns me.